Surviving Jazz School : A Reflection.
I'm done, I'm done!!!! I'm going to graduate in June!!! So it's time to reflect on my 5 years of undergrad education at the University of Toronto. As Drake says " On to better things" (prayer emoji). No holds barred, here we go.
Quick Fire Round
Graduating with : Bachelors (Hons) of Music in Jazz Performance (Voice)
Class I enjoyed the most : Intro to Disability Studies and Music Education for Children
Class I enjoyed the least : 2nd year Ear Training *all the tears*
Class that challenged me the most : Vocal Jazz Ensemble
Class I went to the least: Music History.... All 4 of them
Most inspiring professor: Phil Nimmons , Dr. Caron Daley,
3 Hard Lessons : Say no to cram sessions, sleep a lot, it's okay to fail.
3 Important Take-Aways : Be kind but not a doormat, do your readings, get involved!
Story time.......
Let's start with the obvious. I am beyond fortunate to be on the other side of my B.Mus. I'm ending this degree with no student debt after a fine arts degree. Many parents would have issues with financially supporting such a degree and I am well aware of that. So as much as this is my degree, it wouldn't have been accomplished without them! Thanks fam!
There is no part of me that wants to paint a simple picture. That wants to outline my experience as one yellow brick road of soul searching, friend making and eye-opening. It wasn't like that for the most part. I generally went to performance classes that were challenging on a host of levels. Challenging emotionally, intellectually, academically and politically. Performance school is a weird beast and the Jazz Department at the UofT is no exception. In a program that I was initially wait listed to get into only accepted 8 people in my first year- half of those people had dropped out or changed schools by second year.
From the beginning I struggled socially to find comfortable boundaries as someone who doesn't entertain typical performer- personalities well. Keeping in mind that I too have a strong personality. Academically I struggled and spent a lot of time avoiding the material I had to study because I didn't understand it. Politically I struggled because I could see how the institution was failing to keep instructors accountable as educators in an artistic field. How about in my second year class, we didn't have enough chairs and we had no tables. When I mentioned going to the students' union I was threatened by a senior student and backed off. That's a regret I have to this day. What kind of school has no chairs? No desks? Did we just pay $8,000 to sit on the floor and sing arpeggios?
Slowly, I started pushing back to make my degree fit who I was. I worked hard, I was teaching my students and band managing for an instructor. I would end each year on fumes and burn out by the end of April. Not to mention I was constantly sick during the year from over-using my voice. Sometimes I was singing 6 hours a day, exhausted and resentful.
In my fourth year I had an abscess on my tonsil in October. There was no doubt that stress and pressure were impacting my physical health. When I confided in a private instructor about my vocal exhaustion, I was pushed to disclose more personal information about my family life, my mental health, my experience in the department. Instead of standing up for myself, I indulged (it got me out of singing anyway). That's when she said ....
"Teaching you is like dragging a carcass up a hill" ...
What the $%@^& . I sat there and cried, in front of her too. It was awkward. I just melted in my chair and felt defeated. Days of processing later, I decided to take my education back. Despite being four years into a degree, I decided that I didn't deserve this! Are you kidding me? No! I'm a hard working, dedicated student. Sure I was waitlisted and still felt shameful of that, sure I openly struggled in class in front of my peers, sure I had unhealthy coping mechanisms (which mostly included double stuffed Oreos) but no one puts Olivia in a corner. NO ONE CALLS OLIVIA A CARCASS.
I will forever acknowledge that as a moment of reckoning. Where I was so hurt by someone's perception of me and the amalgamation of my experiences struggling against performance that I decided I needed to approach my education for myself. That ultimately meant changing private teachers and stepping back from other classes that involved that instructor. I gave myself space to grieve my experiences and struggle, to then return with a more defined idea of what I stand for, how I treat people, how I will treat my students and why I'm passionate about education. Ultimately that gave me a great second semester, which I was really proud of and I performed with so much JOY! Oh and I made some really great friends - beautiful, genuine people!
-----Part 2 ----- In the last year of my undergrad (year 5 if you're counting) I spent my time applying for grad school, teaching and completing my Arts and Science courses. I was so lucky to take two fantastic classes : Africa in the 21st Century and Intro to Disability Studies. I will make a follow up post about my time in Disability Studies and how that course has also been formative in my teaching career. What I loved about these courses was how engaged students were, how empowered both (female) professors were and how we as a class cultivated skills to critically analyze complicated material. Not to be repetitive but, oh I made some really great friends - beautiful, genuine people!
In conclusion, I'm not afraid to say that when I look back at my degree I am filled with grave sadness for the complexity of my first few years. I was newly grieving the loss of my mother without much support, I was displaced from my family and moved out for the first time. (I lived with some real characters, and mice of course. Two words..... student co-op ). I had a mean boyfriend, I was sick all the time, I ate shitty food, I was too anxious to drink at parties or make friends. However, somehow I managed to survive UofT Jazz Performance. Despite all my political rage against the man, against the establishment, I've managed to survive. Despite working hard and still getting C's until my 4th and 5th year. Despite having a massive network of talented people at my fingertips, and still feeling lonely; I survived! I survived!
Ultimately, Chase Sanborn (whether I want to admit it or not) was right. In my first masterclass, he said that 1 out of 10 students goes on to live a career dependant on performing or as a full-time musician. Since my cohort was merely 8 people, the odds were already against us. Now that "statistic" makes sense to me. It reminds me how much you have to love something to go after it. I don't love performing Jazz or performing in a bar, or being in a room with too many "artist-types". That's part of what I figured out while I was there, and while I felt isolated at time I also felt free to pursue what I love. Oh and I love so many other things than jazz... Hallelujah! While I wish I could go back and do an equity degree in Disability Studies or Music Education, I can't. That desire to learn will just be redirected towards a new path.
In September I will be going to a different university to begin my Bachelors in Education.
Who doesn't love a new beginning!
Here are all the gifs of how I feel leaving UofT
