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When I look at this image it makes me want to cry. It is by one of my favourite artists Katherin Honesta and seems to capture how I'm feeling right now. I've been laying low on my blog for a while but I do think it's time to walk this story-telling path again and I hope you will join me.
Today I sat at my piano and I sang - not for anything, not to prep for anyone but for myself. I sang music that I love, that I'm curious about and music that I wanted to create. It was in that moment that I realized how far my voice has come- not since I began music-school, but since I left! That's right, when I left the university with a degree in voice performance... my voice was in pretty bad shape.
My voice would tense up and tighten
I'd get these anxiety lumps in my throat
My 'break' between chest and head voice had never been so divorced
I was sick every 6-8 weeks with ear pain , jaw tension or sinusitis
At one point my tongue was going numb
I would be worn out from talking
Was battling thrush contently
Would have to take meds to reduce inflammation,
then sing for 4-6 hours.
I had cysts on my tonsils... TWICE!
Short of having nodes or completely losing my voice - my voice was gone. There's no doubt
in my mind that I endured 3.5 years of vocal trauma. In my final semester of voice studies at the University of Toronto I studied with Peter Barnes, a wonderful instructor who helped me to identify some of that trauma and make beautiful music through it.
To him, I am forever grateful.
Truly, it wasn't just the sound that I had lost, but the feeling I had when I sang. I didn't want to listen to music or engage my voice and I was bitter about the politics of the faculty. Remember when I was called a carcass ? That was in the midst of my vocal trauma. I was angered that my voice was never good enough the way it wanted to come out of me, that I stopped singing. (Not everyday or in lessons, but I stopped singing for me)
When I sang today at the piano I actually felt like an artist. My thoughts were in the notes I was playing and the story I was telling. My voice after 2 years of ignoring the technique and focusing on relaxing has finally come back - and she IS good enough!! So now, the musicianship and skill I did learn that don't suffocate my voice can come to the surface.
It's both exciting and a relief. Which is why it feels fitting that I'm back here on the blog.
For Christmas my dad bough me a DSLR to make youtube videos.
I might not put them on youtube, but I will be putting them here.
See you soon,
Miss. Olivia