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I recently went on a retreat for contemplative prayer and I was greeted with anxiety, nervousness, awe and finally a window of what peace could really feel like. The challenge with contemplative prayer is the depth of silence, and how much there actually is to listen to when we are able to quiet ourselves (and not just the hum of the a/c). We are able to listen to our mind, our hearts and hopefully God. With that said, I have been making the transition between persuing performance full-time and now persuing teaching. I think I've finally started to uncover something pretty awesome. Both teaching and contemplative prayer hinge on listening and awareness.
It's no surprise to anyone that singing is my instrument of choice. As a kid I was always making noise and talking and chatting away. In fact, my grandmother told me recently that she was never worried as long as she could hear me. If there was silence, she knew I was up to no good. So singing; as passionate, loud and viceral as it is, seemed like a good fit for me early on and has largely been part of how I grew to self-identify as both person and artist.
I lost my mom almost four years ago and the biggest challenge for me so far has been adjusting to the newly found space that lives between where I am here on the physical earth and where she is now. This new distance isn't just missing the physical aspect of our very close relationship, but acknowledging that it is very full of something I've managed to avoid most of my life: silence. It's so interesting to me, to become aware to this. That pain and saddness I experience have been so tangiable becuase I recognized that distance as emptiness, but now I can begin to see it as silence. Wherein that silence, I can let myself listen to God and to spiritually connect with my mother again. Where the fear of 'not being responded to' can wash away and the space and silence can be accepted.
It is no wonder to me that this recent shift from performance to teaching has felt like coming home. The joy I find in teaching comes in massive part from being able to participate from a place of listening and awareness, being open to both the silence of a lesson as a student figures out a note, as well as the efforted music that fills the space.
For me, it continues to be a lesson in listening.