Me Time: Is Planning a Path Possible?
I was kind of thrown off when I heard someone talk about an experience that unveiled their path infront of them. It wasn't just a path, but their path. This spiked my curiosity, because I often day-dream about where I'll be in 5 or 10 years and what God will reveal in my life in the years ahead; my graduate degree, studio teaching, a full time job..... ???
I'm the type of person that loves planning, loves organizing, making lists and crossing things off- I am a virgo after all. However, I feel like every time I've ever carved out a "path", mid journey I'll have taken detours and side roads and completely deviated from wherever I thought I was going to end up exactly where I am, without noticing much in the moment.
When I decided to go to the University of Toronto to study music performance, I thought that it was going to be my path to becoming an international performer and recording artist. I drank that university cool-aid that told me all I needed was to go into this institution for 4 years and wait to pop out the other side to be who I really wanted to be. I swore off another school I was accepted to and broke ties with friends and professor-relationships that I had already created there. I began what I thought would be an investment in the path that I wanted. Little did I know the path that I wanted at that time couldn't have been farther than the path that I continue on this day.
I am going into my fourth year at UofT, majoring in Jazz Voice. I now know that the path that was carved out for me was one of independance, grief, lonlieness and self reliance. I had few if any real friends and I was in an unhealthy relationship. The passing of my mother was more recent than it is now, and my immediate family was split into 3 cities (2 countries). That time wasn't for nothing, but it surely didn't set me up for what I thought my path was suppose to be (aka, ultimate superstar of the word).
I can look back at it now and see that teaching was the only thing that was stable through these years, that I still love and still enjoy now. About a year ago I began going back to church (though a different one than I grew up in) and I started to tune into how God was working in my life. How I am not actually the creator of my own path and how all along- through highs and lows- I've been where I'm suppose to be. I now have great friends, a church family, a good man by my side and a studio full of students. Best of all, I am so much happier than I thought I could be.
It became clear to me that if I let go of that path I thought I was meant to walk on, God would reveal one to me. A path that is better, richer and more authentic than I could imagine. I thought to myself a few months ago, that perhaps to be able to commit to being a performer I'd have to close my home studio - and guess what happened? I had 5 new students sign up and 7 call me in the span of 3 weeks (MID APRIL). No one signs up for lessons starting in April!!!! To me it was enough of a sign, that I should focus my attention on my home studio and be open to whatever else happens. This was a moment of true decernment.
I guess my point is that, when I hear people talk about finally figuring out a path, I start thinking about my own. My natural reaction is that I can create a spread sheet, or organize what steps I'm going to take to carve something out perfectly. I can buy a nicer agenda and prettier pen and time-block... but all I can really do is keep going and be open to whatever happens becuase that's where I'm truly meant to be.