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There's a lot to be said for owning your own business and declaring yourself captain. The marker of a seasoned captain is that even in times of trouble, they steady their emotions and make the best, most critical decisions for the well being of the group. They don't melt down, they don't cry, they don't hyperventate... they jump into action, they just do! This has been an extrodinarily hard week for me. Left to my own devices I've found myself with nothing to do, my boyfriend out of town, no students to teach (it being the first week of school, lessons start next week) and a whole grocery list of things to be anxious about. In my poor planning, I set myself up for a week full of mental hampster wheels and I'm just coming into the clear. This week alone I crocheted a blanket AND a vest, I began grinding my teeth so much that I've been waking up with lock-jaw and I've finished 3 different TV series (UnReal, This is Life w Lisa Ling and Frankie & Grace). Yikes. This week, I have been so overwhelemed and under engaged that my emotions ran wild. I started thinking about next week; my almost full roster of students, a new school year, my FINAL school year, commuting to the city again, my long list of how I'd make this year better, more engaged, more fun, grad school applications, my student BBQ, my student recital, going to the gym, eating more green things, seeing my grief therapist, seeing my nutrition counsellor, making time for people I love, making self-care time, sleeping, waking up on time, what shoes will I wear, how much money I'll start making, how to get my CPP forms filled out, what day is bible study/ladies night, issuing receipts differently this year, making Christmas presents, budgeting vs. indulging..... the list goes on and on and on and it's been driving me in circles. It is becoming clear to me that the more that I made my anxiety about myself the worse it got. When really, all I can do is take command of the boat (or rocketship, because why not ), show up, pray to God and do my best. I think this week a few of my wires were crossed, I wanted control so I over-planned my over-planning made me worried my worrying created BIGGER unrealistic worries my worries made me indecisive & my indecisivness made me tune out to what I'm really worried about, what are real threats, what I'm grateful for and what I can be proactive about. I have declared myself captain of this amazing OliviaMusic rocketship and I have a responsibility to not only keep my composure, but not take everything so seriously and work myself into a frenzy. Looking forward to being busy in the next few weeks and realizing that my problems are much smaller than my blessings and being Little Miss Stressball will happen again, but I'll be kinder to myself and wiser about it next time.